In Self-Mastery, I learned of a concept called “Magical Relationship Beliefs.” Now to a certain degree, I knew that I had dreamed about what I wanted in a romantic partner, but I had underestimated the depth to which my own magical beliefs had been created.
The first thing I had to understand is that Magical beliefs are “positively charged beliefs” which meant that I had attached positive emotions or expectations to these beliefs. Women are no more susceptible to this phenomenon than men are...however many women I have coached do tend to recount the “Prince Charming” ideals or at least wistfully fantasize about their “knight in shining armor.” Many of these women did not feel safe and secure as a child and the fantasy they are seeking is for a man to come along and help them to feel that. They establish this belief early on before their mind is mature enough to understand how they can maturely establish safety and security for themselves.
And so they go about their lives unconsciously seeking a partner who can fill the need that they have inside. At some point in their lives, they may meet someone who temporarily fills this need...but it never lasts. Unless the woman understands that it is not her partner’s responsibility to fill this need, she may decide that since he does not fill that need, she picked the wrong man.
It is important to understand that our partners are always reflecting back to us what we most need to heal within us. It is not our fault that we developed these beliefs. It is not our fault because if those needs were being met or if we had been taught how to create this for ourselves, then we would not feel this in the first place.
So while it isn’t our fault, it is also not our partner’s fault. We cannot project out our unmet needs and expect our partner to meet those needs for us. We must learn to meet our own needs. When we feel safe and secure, our partner will reflect that back to us.
In my practice, I teach women who don’t feel safe how to develop that feeling within themselves. They find that once they have healed this belief, their partners appear to change. They become more understanding and more supportive. But they are not doing it because the women need that safety and security any more. They are unconsciously responding to a new vibrational reality created by the women themselves.
Most men that I have worked with developed beliefs that they had to be perfect in order to be appreciated. They seek women who will appreciate them and, in some cases, they seek women that they can rescue so that they can be assured that they will be appreciated.
It’s not uncommon that a man who needs to feel appreciated and a woman who is seeking security will find themselves in a relationship.
This is not an example of a healthy, conscious relationship though. This is an example of how our unconscious negative beliefs draw us to a person who will mirror those aspects back to us.
The first few months or maybe even the first couple of years of a relationship can go relatively smoothly. The man has someone who will appreciate him and the woman feels secure. But at some point, the relationship will break down...primarily because the egoic mind is relentlessly looking for all the ways in which this relationship doesn’t work. The mind does this because the subconscious negative beliefs laced with fear and anxiety of not being safe still exist within them. Even though the relationship is fulfilling each party, the unconscious belief is still there and having the same destructive effect on both parties. It is a time bomb.
At some point, the egoic mind collects enough evidence to convince his conscious mind that this person does not really appreciate what he is doing. If she did, then she would do the things he wants that she isn’t doing...or she wouldn’t do some things that he doesn’t like. The mind does not understand that it is focusing on certain things because it is a reflection of that emotion...of trapped emotional energy within the person who perceives it.
And her egoic mind is also collecting evidence of why she isn’t safe in their relationship or isn’t safe in life. Since her unconscious belief she formed as a small girl was that her husband would take care of this for her, she projects out her fears and frustrations onto him which is further proof to him of how she doesn’t appreciate all that he does.
No one is conscious to what is really happening and their egoic minds have collected SO much pain that they simply are not willing to find a way to work it out.
In their minds, the other person is the one who MUST change and they have built up so much righteous indignation that there is no way they are willing to even consider what they might change.
How much easier would it be if before we got to the point where our minds had collected too much evidence to consider working it out, we healed those things within us that caused us to perceive that we were unhappy in the relationship...or unsafe, or dissatisfied?
How much easier would it be to simply learn that we may have unconscious beliefs that color our perception of the world and our relationships? And one last thing. Is it easier to change someone else...or is it easier to make changes within ourselves? The problem is that this solution runs contrary to what most of us have been taught most of our lives.
We have not been taught that our beliefs create our reality and that both our conscious and unconscious beliefs are always creating it. We have not been taught that we are Godlike beings who can create anything we can imagine and believe.
Actually we are taught that in some areas of our lives...just not our relationships. For some reason, we still believe that we have to pick the right person and that if we don’t pick that right person, then we just keep trying until we find them.
But wouldn’t it be easier to heal the unconscious beliefs we have within us rather than to keep attracting the same situations over and over again? Because all that’s happening here is that we attract people who continue to reflect back to us what we most need to heal.
I did this in my own relationship. I healed much of this and because of that, I attracted a woman who was as completely different as she could be from my first wife. I didn’t feel the need to rescue anyone anymore and this was not a woman who needed to be rescued.
However, I remember an argument that we were having once early on in our relationship. I don’t remember what it was about, but I remember her stating flatly, “do you believe this would be different with anyone else?”
She doesn’t remember telling me that, but it was the point in our relationship when I consciously realized that I was re-creating the same situation again and while she didn’t realize it, she was right.
It wouldn’t be different with anyone else, because it was my belief being reflected back to me. It was my unconscious pain that I was continuing to feel again and it was my responsibility to heal this belief for me to be able to experience something different.
My wife and I are still working on our magical relationship beliefs...but we are conscious that we have them. We understand that when one of these come up that the other person may be projecting out something that belongs to them and that makes it easier to be supportive of them instead of defensive.
I can feel it when my mind is telling me that I am at risk for being abandoned, ignored or misunderstood. I am conscious to the fact that my reality is reflecting back to me something within me to be healed and instead of blaming my wife or expecting that she changes in order for me to feel better, I work on myself.
I work on feeling appreciated. She works on feeling safe. And we support each other in our work and our growth.
I work with my clients to help them understand what magical relationship beliefs they created for themselves and what the effects have been. I don’t tell them any of this. I just ask the right questions to gently peel away the layers of ego defenses they’ve built all of their lives to help them feel safe or justified to feel what they feel and believe.
Where are your relationships not working and what is your partner reflecting back to you? If you feel stuck or unable to move forward, consider scheduling a session with me to help you move past it.
You are a Divine being, capable of far more than you’ve allowed yourself. Isn’t it time to start learning how to create your heaven on earth?
Namaste
Jeff
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